Our Unlearning
If you’re anything like me, you are very clear in what you want for yourself. So clear, in fact, that you make a beeline- no. Scratch that. You take great strides, leaping, bounding, towards this captivating prize that appears to be aimlessly waiting for you on the horizon. So much so that your spots are left hovering in midair. Basically, it’s 10:30 am on a Wednesday, and you wanted “everything” as of Monday. You find yourself having patience with others, but you struggle to offer that same grace to yourself. Sure (given the necessary amount of time and fortune on my side), I may have managed to tackle what I had been longing and striving for, but now what? What good are the sweet victories of our lives if we don’t know how to tend to them properly in order to hold and keep them?
So often, collectively, there’s discussions around the fear of failure, but what about the fear of success? How much of our doubt is tied into not only acquiring x but maintaining it (i.e. a healthy, supportive relationship, that job promotion, etc.)? The truth is, with greater reward, there’s greater responsibility, and humans (speaking from personal experience here), largely, are lazy. (If you’re skimming this, case in point.) At the end of the day, we’re creatures of habit. Typically, in some shape or form, we’re concerned with security because we are hardwired for survival. This is where things get tricky.
Your brain isn’t necessarily seeking “safety”, but rather, what’s familiar.
It’s my belief that so much of our becoming has to actually do with unlearning. If our most profound lessons happen through life experience, then the only way we can prove our doubt wrong is by willingly participating, showing-up, and yes- doing the uncomfortable thing! Does this make mustering the willingness and courage to step outside our comfort zone any easier? Hell no. And, if it wasn’t an act of being vulnerable, showing-up despite our fears, then it wouldn’t be a courageous one. Instead, it would be as mundane as taking out the trash.
A brilliant bi-product of our brains being hardwired for survival is that we, as humans, are extremely adaptable. We’re so adaptable that so much of this internal adjusting goes on outside of our conscious awareness, without us having to tell our brains and bodies to do so. (If you’ve ever had the honor of witnessing a pregnant mother, for example, then you know what I’m talking about.) Yes, applying for that job or speaking at that engagement (my least favorite) may seem terrifying, but chances are- you won’t die because of it.
One of the hardest yet most transformative (see the correlation…wink, wink) lessons I’ve had to learn is that perfection DOESN’T EXIST. (I could go on a philosophical tangent here discussing nature and the golden ratio, but I’ll save you.) And, might I add, that just because I claim to have ‘learned a lesson’, doesn’t necessarily mean that I’ve completely integrated it. I still have specific tendencies/ thought patterns/ habits that are difficult to break, as we all do. (Hence the term “healing process”.) But, what would happen if we all let ourselves off the hook? What if we gave ourselves permission to just try- get messy and make mistakes?! [#Ms.Frizzleforlife] We’d probably feel less anxious and/ or depressed, more confident and self-assured, and (here’s the kicker…) we’d probably have more fun and feel more fulfilled in our day-to-day lives.
Of course, just like in other areas of our lives, basic physics applies here too. I can’t expect myself, someone with an irregular heartbeat who was always the red-faced girl on the soccer field, to even go out and run a few miles tomorrow, much less sign-up for a triathlon. Ohhh, no. What I’m suggesting is finding that delicate sweet spot. My personal margins are somewhere between “That doesn’t seem easy.” and “I think I’m going to shit my pants.”. My point is, it is up to us, as individuals, to determine what that small act of stepping outside our comfort zone may look like as well as determining where most of our fear lives- in the chase, or the capturing.
What is one small thing you could implement today, or even this week, that might feel out of character but ultimately helpful? An example might be offering a compliment to a stranger and meaning it or striking up a conversation with someone new as a means of connecting.
Just remember, before you hop on your magic school bus, you have to sign your own permission slip.